Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. My dad would also try to do things we liked. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. He let us put makeup on him. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. I think dad is being a bully. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. Or even more fun than you would. I never did the gross stuff either. I watched it when I was a kid. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest Required fields are marked *. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. But am I mad at her now? July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Or find something neutral. So, here is the thing. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. Mommy and daddy present a united front. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. I know that we all love the music from our generation. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? This can cause a lot of tension in the family. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. I take little credit for how lucky I am. How are those pre-teen interests? The LWs husband sounds like my father. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. Hah! And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. 1. No. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. You always give good advice (duh!) I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. I must just not be seeing things clearly. No. I still think hes acting out like a child. Thinks hes hilarious). But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. Its not rocket science. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. Awesome. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. However, its wife that wrote in. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Good stuff all around! Older and (hopefully) wiser Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. She played Meribor (spelling.) AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. Oh, This Old House. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. A: There are two things to consider here. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Most certainly. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. He is into science so a consultation with a trained professional may be exactly what he needs. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. I hope the LW sees your comment. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. They loved it, I hated it. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. I think you are probably right. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. A museum or something might be a good start. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. Not from Scranton either! Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. He is clearly not getting the message. He is dedicated and hard-working. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. I know I did. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. I honestly think both parents are at fault. Camping? Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. Totally agree on the respect issue. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. he wants to teach her to drive. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. . Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. Entirely too much. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. She gets too invested in her daughters life. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Usually sharks.). But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. lets_be_honest Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. bittergaymark Ive been there. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. Highlight their special talents and abilities. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba I agree with you, again. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . Show interest in his interests. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. I completely agree with you on Buffy. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Great suggestion! Heck Yes! For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Our differences are what make people interesting. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. Did I love that stuff? This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. But the show as a whole, awesome. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. He is also very critical of both of US I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. I can't even. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. bittergaymark , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes?
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