With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. I think it depends a lot on context. So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. Oh, such discerning eyes. And Im sorry for that. 7. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. I was usually planning board game evenings and role playing games and I only tried to ask people whom I knew to be interested in what I was planning. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? friend: yooooooooo goodyou Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. Tell me about you. Me: Nope. Dont ask each of us the same question. I'm going to say this to my parents. The hubs and I do the same. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. I was never taught that was the correct answer. *Him: Hello, how are you? Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. The underlying assumption, is/. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. eh, my mother does that. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? Doing great, what are you doing here? And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. Flip the question back to them. They need to stop it. 2. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Question. "You know I can do this anytime.". That stuff just wears on people. Many of your comments in this thread have, in fact. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. Why? It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! To contact our editors please use our contact form. Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. For all that the Your X is Valid thing is trending nowadays, you still need to be able to have basic conversations with people, which includes stuff like this. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Or only if you consider it important? But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. This comment has clarified a thing for me. Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. Read also. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. Your kids are loud. Because this is very much a dumb conversation filler question and its not going to go away anytime soon. If you have a new question, start a new topic. Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. Weekend is like God's blessing! They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. Oh, the usual, you? If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. Its tiring. People who act like or claim that it is impolite are exhibiting the things I dont like must be rude/mean fallacy. Maybe if the stress was a bit different? Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. Sometimes your lover or friend may forget to send you a morning text. There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. Im self employed so I can realistically be working at any time and date. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me.
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